Man vs the Cult of Abbadon: Bloody Mallory Review

After seeing it in my Netflix suggestions for a while now, I decided to take the plunge and watch French monster action-pop film Bloody Mallory, and, really, why did I wait so long?  This is like the adaptation of a French comic book that never was, but should have been.  It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer times The Fifth Element with a dash of Cutie Honey thrown in for good measure.

Olivia Bonamy stars as Mallory, leader of a paranormal commando force who is haunted by the spirit of her dead husband (whom she killed because he was a demon, admittedly, but still...)  Oh, and that's not a spoiler, by the way.  It's revealed in the opening scene, where a wedding-dress-clad Mallory is shown to be stalking the demonic groom, in a subversion of expectations.  Also in Mallory's team are Vena Cava (Jeffrey Ribier), a drag queen demolitions expert (yes, you read that right, and it is every bit as crazy-awesome as it sounds.), and young mute telepath Talking Tina (not the only pop-culture-horror reference here).

After a routine mission against a group of nun-kidnapping ghouls goes wrong, thanks to a mysterious masked figure, the team needs time to recover, and Mallory gets a new assignment: The newly-elected Pope has been kidnapped, and the security footage shows the same masked figure!  After consulting with her informant, the aforementioned spirit of her dead demon husband (doomed to wander in limbo due to a demonic technicality), she learns that this is the work of the cult of Abbadon, a old-school fallen angel who wants to open the gates to the Abyss and release his brethren.

While the rest of her team recuperates, Mallory sets out on her own to find the missing Pontiff, tracking supernatural disturbances to a village that got sucked into a hell dimension, where she comes across Papal bodyguard Father Carras (see pop-culture reference, above).  They're not alone, though, since Talking Tina, in a coma back home, telepathically hitch-hiked in the brain of a bat, and Vena Cava parachuted in behind them.  With our heroes re-united, it's time for another action scene, as they try to fight off a band of cultists.  Did I mention Carras could fight, too? ("God will guide my fists," he says.)  And I would be remiss if I didn't mention Vena Cava's machine-gun-toed shoes.  (No, I don't know how it works, either.)

As it turns out, in Hell Dimension Logic, jumping down a well leads right to the fortress of Abbadon, where cult leaders Morphine, the shapeshifting succubus and Lady Valentine, the aristocratic vampire who survived her run-in with the guillotine (and has the scars to prove it!) prepare for the imminent arrival of the fallen angel himself with the requisite blood-draining and other sundry sacrifices.  While it's hard to pick a favorite character in a movie that has both a kung-fu Papal bodyguard and a drag queen demolitions expert, Lady Valentine just may be it.  Veteran actress Valentina Vargas plays her with with the right mix of crazy and apathetic, yawning over the use of commoner's blood one minute, and relishing a duel with Mallory the next.

If you think you know where this film is going by now, you may be right.  One unfortunately telegraphed plot twist later, Mallory is captured by the baddies, but another encounter with the Former Mister Mallory (who clearly still has feelings for her, despite being a dead demon) gives her the strength she needs to escape her bonds and go after Abbadon before he can open the Abyss and release Hell on earth.  As this is a French-language action movie and not a Fulci film, you can probably guess the outcome, but there are still a couple of treats on the way, including a dramatic wig throwing, another bodyhop for Talking Tina, and one more duel between Mallory and Lady Valentine.

What this movie lacks in substance (don't get me wrong, there is some there there, but it just takes some effort to find) it makes up for in style, style, style.  From the color-coded costumes to Mallory's taunting pose before jumping down the well to Vena Cava's frequent use of English to just about any scene with Lady Valentine, this movie has the comic book aesthetic all over it.  The special effects, unfortunately, tend towards the hokey, but I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and say it's intentional, just because the movie can't help but be fun.  Funnier than Van Helsing, less self-important than Dogma (and with fewer poop jokes, to boot), it's currently available on Netflix Instant Watch in its original French language track.  Recommended, especially for those who miss syndicated action dramas (you know who you are) and fans of crazy French action films.

Man vs the Last Three Weeks

Initially, when I started this blog, I didn't intend to post about Things that Happened Recently, but this was just too big to let go.  To make an unnecessarily long story short, my apartment got flooded less than 48 hours after my last post, forcing me to relocate, first to a temporarily vacant apartment (with no internet connection, but that was the least of my problems), then to the spare bedroom in a friend's home/office, with a third move in the works this month if the currently-staying-with-his-parents roomie and I can find a new place.  It was only recently that I motivated myself enough to post again.

Fear not, readers, for regular-ish content will return shortly.  I've got a doozy of a review in the works for... ah, but that would be telling.  (I need to watch it again to take notes anyway, not that I mind watching it again...)  À bientôt...